Never forget the nine most important words of any family-
I love you. You are beautiful. Please forgive me. – H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Any good apology has 3 parts: 1) I’m sorry 2) It’s my fault 3) What can I do to make it right? Most people forget the third part. — Unattributed
Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.
That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand. – Emily Kimbrough
How can I tell you
That I love you, I love you
But I can’t think of [the] right words to say
— Cat Stevens
It’s sad, so sad, Why can’t we talk it over?
Oh, it seems to me, That sorry seems to be the hardest word
— Elton John
I’ve been tryin’ to get down, To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak, And the ashes will scatter
So, I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness, Forgiveness
Even if , even if you don’t love me— Don Henley
You gotta go and get angry at all of my honesty
You know I try but I don’t do too well with apologies
I hope I don’t run out of time, could someone call a referee?
‘Cause I just need one more shot at forgiveness
— Justin Bieber
Questions to consider:
Apology Is More Than Saying I’m Sorry.
Songs about saying I’m Sorry, expressing Regret, seeking Forgiveness, experiencing Grace & Mercy:
Pop, rock, hip hop, country, indie, metal, blues:
Religious/Christian rock, pop, Gospel, ballad, country:
Being Sorry, Making Amends, Apologizing, Seeking Forgiveness
Sacrifice is at the heart of repentance. Without deeds, your apology is worthless. — Bryan Davis
Would ‘sorry’ have made any difference? Does it ever? It’s just a word. One word against a thousand actions. – Sarah Ockler
Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past. – Tyron Edwards
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you. — Lewis Smedes
In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was ‘sorry.’ – Margaret Laurence
Nothing is easier than to condemn the evildoer, nothing is harder than to understand him. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Before we can forgive one another, we have to understand one another. — Emma Goldman
The best apology is changed behavior. Apologies are not meant to change the past; they are supposed to change the future. — John Farrar
Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. – Paul Boese
True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive. – Mignon McLaughlin
Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets. – Henry Kissinger
Apologies only account for that which they do not alter. – Benjamin Disraeli
The ability of a person to atone has always been the most remarkable of human features. – Leon Uris
You can make up a quarrel, but it will always show where it was patched. – Edgar Watson Howe
The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. – Henry Boye
Forgiveness Project: What is Forgiveness?
… forgiveness means many different things to different people. It is deeply personal, often private and far from the soft option many take it to be … often forgiveness is difficult, costly, painful – but potentially transformative.
Certainly, if somebody is really apologetic and takes responsibility—“My bad. I really hurt you. No excuses.” Then forgiveness is easier. It’s not just bad because you got hurt, but I did something wrong. When someone says, “I’m sorry because you’re hurt,” well, that can make the person who’s been injured feel at fault because they were hurt. That’s an offensive kind of apology. It’s different when you say: “Boy, I did wrong, independently of whether or not you got hurt. I also see how that wrong has impacted you, and I’m sorry for that.” So there are two steps—“I did wrong, and that wrong hurt you.” Then the next step is, “Since it’s my responsibility, what can I do to make it better for you?” That’s a true apology, and that makes a real difference. — Frederic Luskin
From What’s Really Behind ‘I’m Sorry’ Versus ‘I Apologize’& How To Move One — Good Men Project
When you’re saying “I’m sorry,” a sincere apology usually includes the following:
Making Amends – Learning from the Twelve-Step Program
Making Amends in Addiction Recovery … Step Eight and Step Nine … call this approach “making amends” (full article on Betty Ford site)
Below, experts at Hazelden Betty Ford’s Connection™
recovery coaching program answer frequently asked questions about this
reconciliation process and why it’s so vital to addiction recovery and
What is a Direct Amend?
In Twelve Step recovery from alcohol or other drug addiction, a direct amend refers to the act of personally addressing issues with people who have been harmed by our behavior or our treatment of them. The practice involves going back to those individuals to acknowledge the harm or hurt we have caused them and demonstrate our changed ways in order to provide them with the opportunity to heal. Whenever possible, a direct amend is made face-to-face rather than over the phone or by asking someone else to apologize on your behalf.
What’s the Difference Between Making Amends and Offering an Apology?
Think of amends as actions taken that demonstrate your new way of life in recovery, whereas apologies are basically words.
In active addiction, our actions and intentions aren’t aligned. For example, we might intend to go to a friend’s birthday party but, in actuality, we fail to show up for the event. While we might apologize later for missing the party, our apology consists of words rather than actions or changed behavior.
In recovery, our actions and intentions are aligned. An example would be telling someone how sorry you are that you stole from them and actually giving back what you took.
Are There Times When Direct Amends Are Not Advisable?
Yes. Step Nine states that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We don’t want our actions to cause further damage, harm or stress. Also, we might owe amends to people we can’t reach. In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions such as donating money, volunteering our time or providing care.
It’s also important to take great care when making amends to someone who is in active addiction because our primary responsibility is to safeguard our own health and recovery from substance abuse.
Should I Try to Make Amends with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Hear From Me?
No matter how much you feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with your or hear from you is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others.
How Will Making Amends Help my Recovery?
Taking these actions helps us to separate ourselves from the disease of addiction. We come to understand that we are good people with a bad disease. Step 8 and Step 9 help us to move out of the shame we have lived in, shame that feeds the cycle of substance use and addiction. We strengthen and reinforce healthy recovery whenever we do our part to repair relationships or reach out to others with support and understanding.
What If my Attempt to Make Things Right Goes Wrong and Things Get Worse?
It’s important to have a plan in place before you reach out. We can’t know for certain how another person will respond—or even how the interaction might affect us emotionally. So be sure to talk with your sponsor and/or support group about your plan in the event you would need support. Remember, this is a Twelve Step process that can provide a platform for healing, but the person you are reaching out to may not be at the same place in healing as you are. We are only in control of our part—making and living the amends. We cannot control how others respond, whether they will forgive, or whether they will hold onto negative feelings or resentments.
Should I Work on Step Eight Alone?
Generally speaking, people work through the Steps of Alcohol Anonymous with an addiction treatment counselor and/or sponsor. You can also turn to AA’s Big Book and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (the 12×12) for guidance specific to Step 8.
When first writing your list, don’t worry about including everyone you have wronged. Start by listing the people closest to you. Over time, as you strengthen and deepen your recovery from alcohol or drug addiction, you will undoubtedly revisit Steps 8 and 9 many times. Eventually, you will find you are making amends day by day through the positive actions you routinely take in living by Twelve Step principles.
What is the Best Way to Make Amends?
There really isn’t a “best way” for everyone. You need to find the approach that works best for you. Talk with your sponsor or others in your recovery community about what has worked for them. If your actions match your intentions and you reach out in person, you are doing the next right thing to right past wrongs. It’s simple, but not easy. And remember, if you are feeling ashamed about mistakes made and damage done during your using days, you are not your disease.
How Soon Do I Start to Make Amends Once I am Sober?
There isn’t a set timeline for working Step 8 and Step 9, so you might want to ask your sponsor and recovery support network for their insights about whether you’re ready. In Twelve Step recovery, your pace is your own to determine. No doubt, you will experience challenges and setbacks along the way. But by prioritizing your recovery on a daily basis and doing whatever that next right thing might be for you, you will keep moving forward in living a life of good purpose.